Ask Us Anything: How Do You Deal with Jealousy & What Safeguards Do You Have to Prevent Developing Emotions Towards Playmates

Question: You mention in an earlier answer that you don’t get jealous, and that you have safeguards in place to prevent emotional attachments. What are our safeguards?

Him: Jealousy is a very hard emotion to gain control over. We can feel it both in relationships and outside relationships. It typically arises when we are scared of losing or sharing something we think we have or want something someone else has. You basically have to rewire your brain. I have come to enjoy watching my girlfriend be pleasured by both men and women and enjoy watching her have a good time flirting. The same applies to her. She enjoys watching me with women (especially when the woman is pleasuring her at the same time I’m pleasing the woman), and also enjoys hearing about me playing with and flirting with women alone. Communication is very important; as is full disclosure about every sexual encounter or inclination you have with another person. Feelings and desires are meant to be shared, not repressed. This allows trust to develop more strongly than would otherwise be the case in a traditional relationship. In addition you have to separate the concept that having sex with someone is an emotional act and transform it into a concept of having guilt free fun. You also have to humble yourself. Understand that whether you are a man or woman, your partner will find other members of your sex attractive, some more attractive than you, some less attractive than you. There will be those that are better in bed than you, some that will be worse. These are things that are not to be taken personally. You cannot control what or who you find attractive. You can learn from others those and improve upon your sexual technique or improve how you look to a degree, but beyond that, it isn’t worth getting worked up about which many people do. It is accepting your limitations and learning to improve yourself and when improvement isn’t possible to be content with who you are and not worry about the next person. Lastly have to have the self worth to know that if things do not work out between you and your partner you can find someone else to share your time with and it wouldn’t be healthy to get worked up into a tizzy about silliness that plague so many relationships.

In regards to emotional safeguards-emotions are irrational. They aren’t logic based, though many if not most people seem to try to use logic to explain emotions. We cannot control what we feel for whom. However, emotions typically develop by spending time with another person. Sexual intimacy with short periods of time between each encounter and alone with another person is a situation where emotions can develop very easily. In addition, females have a greater tendency to attach emotions with sex upfront while males (who have choice) tend to develop them later. So what does this all mean? It means we don’t play with the same people frequently and my girlfriend can never be sexually intimate with someone one on one (going on dates, etc.). I on the other hand do go out with the opposite sex and have sex one on one, but again, refer back to being a male with choice. If I was a guy who had trouble meeting women and developing intimate connections I would put more emphasis on each sexual encounter I have and that would predispose me to putting those girls on a pedestal and developing emotions for them. However, being successful with the opposite sex means I recognize sex with a girl as just that, sex, and it is just a fun experience, meant to be done relatively infrequently with the same girl (no more than once a month) and for me to stay away from relationship building behaviors. In addition, I use any one on one sex with females to basically attempt to recruit them for threesomes, so my preference is to in some way have the girl meet my girlfriend or to be aware I have a girlfriend and understand I am in a committed, though open relationship and to begin a sexual relationship with me with eyes wide open, which puts up a small barrier to her getting too attached.

We sometimes see those in this lifestyle or sometimes out of it attempt to have completely open relationships. We feel that such behavior is asking for trouble. The female will sleep with many guys simply because most men look at women as a prize and will pursue her. She can post ads on the online services and easily meet men. She can go to bars and easily pick up men. She will develop favorites, begin to spend longer periods of time with certain men, and begin to develop feelings. These men will not care if the woman has a “boyfriend” or a “husband” – to them they want to get laid. The male half of the relationship however will find it much more difficult to meet women to sleep with. It is hard for most men to pickup women, especially consistently. He will post ads online, respond to ads online, maybe try to meet women in person and most likely fail miserably while his girlfriend or wife is going out frequently and getting laid frequently. He will begin to lose value and his female partner will begin to lose attraction for him while she is developing stronger attachments to those she is sleeping with and before you know it their relationship falls apart. Because just as you cannot control who you develop feelings and emotions for you cannot control who you lose feels and emotions for. Therefore emotional safeguards are very necessary. I can go on and on about both the topic of jealousy and emotional development and safeguards but I feel that pretty much gives a good overview of our position on the matter. Hope it was helpful.

Remember: You can ask us any questions you like anonymously via the form under "Ask Us Anything" on the right hand side of this page ;-)

5 Leave a Comment:

bdenied said...

havent been by in a while to catch up on this truly great blog.....You do the community a great service by your matter of fact way of approaching swinging, and its side issues......thanks so much

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for answering my question. Super helpful! Two months ago, we had never explicitly been sexual with anyone outside our relationship. But a few weeks ago, we played with a single girl that we have been friends with for over 10 years(MFF), then two weeks later played with her and a single guy we had just met, and had two back to back MFMF foursomes. Then, the following week, we played with the single guy (MMF). I am most interested in playing with the guy again (MMF) and my partner is open to doing so, but we are all trying to sort out what is the best course of action. We like him outside of the bedroom and have hung out non-sexually. Its hard to know if we are making things more complicated by playing and hanging out with the same person with such frequency....

J and J said...

Him: It sounds as though you are putting your relationship at risk for developing potential feelings for this Single Guy. It is something you are going to have to consider in moving forward. Remember that not everyone's experience will be the same but it is my belief that it is best to just avoid putting yourself in situations that have a good possibilty for having a negative outcome when there are so many alternative options available.

Zoe said...

While it may be true in your relationship that she would develop feelings for her sexual partners, and that you may struggle finding women to sleep with - it is not the case for everyone and I feel you have presented an over-simplistic view of jealousy and the dynamics at play.

J and J said...

Him: Zoe, the above is a general discussion of the pitfalls and risks to having an open relationship. What I said does not apply to every single couple that opens up their relationship. There are couples that have wonderfully successful open relationships. It is my view that they are in the minority. I believe my view is not overly simplistic and represents what will happen to most couples if they choose to have a completely open relationship where BOTH members of the couple wish to see other people. If you have a differing viewpoint then please share it in detail so those who read this blog can have an alternative viewpoint, but your statement as it stands is lacking in substance and character.

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