Book Review: How to Turn Your Wife Into a Swinger

About three months ago we were contacted by Michael Andrews, the author of How to Turn Your Wife Into a Swinger: The Four Steps that Will Turn Any Women into a Sex Dynamo. Michael asked us if we would review his book. We agreed. Below is the review:

The book is a quick read at 70 pages.

The author is the male half of a couple. In a nutshell the book gives four steps to turn your wife into a swinger. The book comes with a workbook and throughout the book you are asked to complete certain exercises. These exercises mostly consist of answering questions. To simplify this review we are going to address the four chapters that correspond to the four steps presented in the book.

Step One: Change Your Beliefs

This section is all about understanding your current beliefs in regards to the top of sex and changing your beliefs to be more positive in nature.

On page 13 the author states, “[f]ocus on developing a great relationship first and the swinging will come along naturally.” We disagree. The simple truth is, swinging is not for everyone. There are a variety of reasons why this is the case, it could be cultural, upbringing, religious beliefs, personal beliefs, and so on that would prevent a person from be willing to even consider swinging. This is why prescreening for such things towards the beginning of a relationship is important. Now granted, this book is geared towards those already married, but the simple truth is that most women will not be willing to engage in lifestyle related activities period.

The author attempts to help you uncover your beliefs by going through some exercise questions with you. We have found that the exercise questions throughout the book are actually quite helpful to understanding what your beliefs and potentially your partner’s beliefs are regarding different sexual issues.

When the author discusses changing your beliefs, we feel the author makes an error in discussing the moving Shallow Hal. Basically the author describes the plot of the movie, that Hal is hypnotized by Tony Robbins into believing a 300 pound girl is physically slim and beautiful and that after Tony Robbins de-hypnotizes Hal, that even though Hal now sees the girl as her physical true self that he continues to love her for who she is. The author’s conclusion is, “beauty is really a very subjective thing and that how you see another person is based on your beliefs. Change your beliefs and it is possible to literally change the way someone looks, in both your eyes and in your reality. If you see your woman as the sexiest, most beautiful, most adventurous woman on the planet, she – literally – will be!”

The truth of the matter is that while different men have different taste in women, we are talking about a book on turning your wife into a swinger. (1) If you no longer find your wife attractive from when you first met, perhaps she really is no longer attractive. Maybe she doesn’t dress as nice as when you first met, she gained weight, and stopped putting on makeup. If that is the case, then there are practical steps that SHE can take to fix that. Somehow willing yourself to now find her attractive is absurd. (2) Fine, you’ve somehow magically willed yourself to now find her attractive again. Good luck with the rest of the swinging population miraculously doing the same.

Beliefs and changing them can only get you so far. While we believe there are certain beliefs and attitudes that will help you excel in life and in your personal relationships, trying to make yourself believe in something that you know is just not true is unhealthy and doomed to failure.

Aside from the above, the guidance the author gives in this step of the program has the potential to really improve your relationship with your partner. The author discusses not only how to change your beliefs and behavior for the better, but how doing so will also help change your partners beliefs and behavior as a result.

Step Two: Understand Her Love Language

It is at this point that the book is starting to gain some momentum. The author states that, “Your behaviors will change which will change the results. However, it’s not just about how you behave, it’s about how effectively you communicate. In fact, your ability to engage in swinging and sexual fantasies with your partner is entirely dependent on the quality of the communication between you. This is the one outstanding characteristic of swinging couples – they have an extremely high quality of communication between them.”

We couldn’t agree more with the above excerpt. While we aren’t thrilled the author uses Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a tool in learning to more effectively communicate with your wife, overall the chapter is extremely beneficial in helping the reader to learn effective ways of expanding their communication with their partner.

Step Three: Ramp Up the Intimacy

In the beginning of the book, the author states on page 3:

“This book is NOT about manipulation, persuasion or any other techniques that involve deception of any kind. There are a number of books out there on swinging, many of which cover the question “How do I get my wife into it?” It seems to be a common question – and the reasons why will become clear later in this book. However, most of what I have seen involves techniques and strategies to somehow ‘convince’ your partner to take part in swinging with you against her will. It’s as if you have to become some sort of super-salesman and employ all sorts of trickery.”

This entire book is about leading your wife into the lifestyle through the use of NLP and changing your behavior and how you communicate with your wife to achieve a result that you aren’t being upfront about from the start. If you weren’t being deceptive or trying to convince your wife to be a swinger using a long term strategy that she wasn’t aware, the simplest advice that one could give would be to just have a conversation with your wife where you express your desire to swing. Using persuasion and strategies is fine, it is human nature to do so and we do it in every relationship we have. There is nothing wrong with it. It is just sad that somehow the author feels that he is above it. Using “Anchors” or “Triggers” (NLP Terms) when engaging in communication with your wife falls under deception and trickery, plain and simple.

Anyway, the chapter itself does give interesting ideas on ramping up intimacy. It discusses what women really want in relationships, ideas for creating fun experiences for her, how to show love and appreciation during those experiences, and how to use anchors and triggers as a tool within that.

Step Four: Take the Lead

This is the real meat and potatoes of the book in regards to catapulting your relationship into the “lifestyle”. Everything before this point basically dealt with getting your relationship to a point where it is healthy and capable of moving into the world of swinging as smoothly as possible. If you do not have a stable relationship going into swinging chances are that your first swinging experience may very well be your last.

This Step focuses on how you can lead your wife to swinging through effective sexual communication and behavior. It gives advice on things to discuss with your wife, how to be flirty and playful, places to go to increase sexual intimacy and experiences (examples range from encouraging your partner to wear sexy clothing to trying out nude beaches, watching pornography together, having sex in new environments, etc.). Throughout this section the author discusses different things you can try as you work your way up to actual lifestyle behavior, such as visiting swinger clubs, etc. It talks about different aspects of the lifestyle as well at this point.

Conclusion

For someone seriously interested in encouraging their wife to become a swinger this book can give you many great ideas on how to move in that direction. Just don’t have unrealistic expectations going into it. Swinging is not for everyone and even raising the possibility with your wife while in a healthy relationship could have unintended negative consequences.

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